Actually, the right question is: Where have I not been?
And in case you’re wondering, here’s where I have not been these past month:
- On WordPress uploading random stuff once a week as I promised (#SorryKinda)
- Outside, having fun with my friends
- At Starbucks, drinking coffee (because my UTI and acid reflux won’t allow me to have a decent cup of happiness)
- Any place interesting, or worth blogging about
- Any time and place I’m actually, mentally supposed to be
My Mental State ATM…
I made this blog post on a Friday night and to be honest, everyone around me are checking out, mentally, for the weekend. Me, on the other hand, I have been on a ‘mentally checked out’ status for over a month now. I didn’t even think it’s possible, but so far I’ve been physically present everywhere and mentally ghosting all these days without anyone noticing it– probably. (If you have noticed my mental absenteeism, please let me know.)
So where was I these past few weeks?
- In my past – I’ve been talking to my 13-year-old self. Remember my last blog? (Yeah, the one about Pharell’s song?) I needed to take a breather and ask myself what my younger, more carefree, innocent self would say. I wanted to know what she would think of me and what I have become 10 years after. Am I what she desired– what she dreamt to be? Is the life I’m living now worthy of her endless daydreaming hours? If she were to answer the same questions I have been asked, what would she say?
I know this would sound really, really silly, even naive, on paper, but I’d like to be the kind of person I’ve always been. I’ve always been an optimistic person, even as a gradeschooler. I want to be that person. I still am that person, even after everything. I have always been a bookworm. As a kid, I would run to the library before recess ends to borrow a new Nancy Drew book or a new Berenstein Bears picture book so I have something new to read at home (and that’s exactly how I gained the scar on my right forehead, long story). I loved Harry Potter as an adolescent and I will always do.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll be the same person who let the bullies take over for a year. It doesn’t mean I’ll still be the person who haphazardly says things that might hurt the people I care for or even do things without a purpose. I also, apparently, am not the same kind of person who does life decisions in a snap of a finger. I’m also better at relationships now, all kind of ‘em. In short, I just really want to be a better, if not the best, version of the person I was before. If I had a time machine or a TARDIS or a landline that can connect to my past self, I would probably take my chances. I wouldn’t tell her anything she wouldn’t have known at that point. I will however ask her what would make her the most happy, or what really matters to her, or what, in her heart of hearts, does she want to be in the future– what she wants me to become…
- On Tumblr – I’m an escapist, in that I’m almost 97% sure. That’s why I have three Tumblr accounts. I’m a neat freak and an escapist and the perfect place to be THAT, while being creative is Tumblr. I have one account for my fangirling activities. I have another one for fashion and fiction. I have another one for random animals and, most recently, anything and everything I find mundanely interesting. I like being there, especially during down times. It’s refereshing, it makes me wangt to be more creative, it energizes me, and opens me to many silly, sometimes deep, emotions. It allows me to look beyond what’s happening in my life. Most of all, it allows me to get lost. Just. Plain. Lost.
Literally my life…
I think what I love most out of Tumblr is the fact that it’s filled with people whose only goal in that place is to get lost as well. It’s like we’re in a stoner club of some sort. Most of the time you get to talk to people with the same interest, same passions, same identities. You get to be with people who knew exactly what you need, a simple validation of existence… A simple like, a simple Hi, a simple encouragement, a little life… And yeah, it’s a bit of my time wasted, but it’s time worth wasting anyway.
- In fanfiction land – People probably alreayd know that I love writing fan fiction, just like Cather from the book fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. I related so well with that book, it resounded in my head days after reading it. What’s weird is that because of it, I finally decided to move along and continue writing. I actually stopped writing for half a year because of some… well, weird stuff (a.k.a. depression and insecurity). I couldn’t bring myself to write about anything or continue with all the loose ends I’ve left. I just couldn’t bring myself to be THAT creative.
You’d think writing fan fiction is easy because all you really do is ‘plagiarize’ someone else’s work by making stories about stories that other people already created for you. Rainbow Rowell explained it better than everybody else. Fan fiction writing is a lot like finding tiny loop holes and loose ends in a story, a series, a trilogy, a photo, a video, a song, that might make way for better happy endings. It’s like the spaces authors, creatives, artists, leave you to fill up after reading, seeing, listening, watching. It’s art in it’s own self. Yes, it’s based on something somebody else created, but that doesn’t mean it’s a lesser form of art, not when it creates bigger emotions, better perspectives, for other people who knows exactly what you’re talking about. What I love most about fan fiction is that you get to bond with people who are in the same clique as you are, who loves the things you love, and is probably also as crazy as you in so many ways,
Here’s a better way to explain that:
This is an actual excerpt from my Tumblr fan mail (it’s literally called a fan mail)…
- In the land of deep desires – I can say a million things about this but the truth is, I can’t. I can’t find the words to describe it, or the photos. But all I know is that I’ve been missing in my head this past few months because I’m looking for somethign that’s gone missing along the way. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know where it is. But somehow, I feel like it’s coming to me soon. It’ll be there soon. Until then, I’ll describe my current mental state through the words of my current favorite author.
Real life was something happening in her peripheral vision.
- Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl